what a man-thing fears

For the second time, in just three days, he's come face to face with fear.

It began over the weekend.

He brought her an early Saturday morning that was torturous. He wanted to speak his mind but he couldn't find the right words. The thing was that he was more angry at himself than at her. It seemed like there was only one thing driving him nuts.

That she had the capacity to unmake him.

In so many jargons and perhaps some strong words, he insinuated that he's done.

She cried, tenderly at first, and started to pour out her heart. She listed a million things she wanted to do for and with him, the difficult realities she had to be content with and what she has to go through just to protect whatever they have.

Still, in the end, he asked her, Why don't you just break up with me?

She couldn't. Instead, she tossed back the question.

Quickly, he fell into the gape without really thinking and stated, I'm breaking up with you.

Her sobs were quicker to fall.

This time, when she cried, it was so intense that it scared him. She coughed in between her tears, a sign that she was forgetting to breathe.

I take it back. I'm so sorry. Please stop crying, he pleaded. There was an instant realization that he didn't have it to crush her heart. Or suffocate her with his rudeness.

He never intended to be harsh. The truth was that he was rotting in his own silence and that made him the bad fellow.

His insides were slowly being eaten by jealousy. He wanted to run away from it. It's just not him anymore.

Fortunately, they sailed through that Saturday morning storm. Still together.

Looking back, if things didn't turn out alright, this man would be missing her little demands.

Kiss. Hug. Spoon.

She'd ask these cute favors from him as soon as they get together. Soemtimes, these favors would come in that order.

SHE: I love you.I love your grin.I love your voice. I love you listening to me sleep. I even love you when you're growling at me in anger. I know what you and I have. And as you've said, no matter how we try to escape this, we can't. So I've stopped running away.

HE: Well, just walk. Walk with me.

SHE: Yes, I'll walk with you. No more doubts. No more jealousy. No more fishing. That goes for you too! No more being quiet when something's eating at you. Agree?

HE: Okay.

SHE: I've also stopped fighting. Jealousy will only kill me. I'm thinking that as long as I love you, and show you how much I do, you won't do anything to hurt me. And for the record, that includes that girl you've been thinking about non-stop.

HE: (Smiles) What girl?

SHE: Good answer.

Hours later, on his own again, this man felt strange about the whole thing. He remembered that the other day he told her how happy he is. And that's true.

It's a different kind of happiness. It's like everything's brand new.

And then, he found his demon.

Suddenly, he wasn't sure if exposing his emotions was the right thing to do. It'd make him vulnerable.

If it's changing him that way, then he's going to be defenseless.

That scared him.

She was probably caught by surprise when he told her all of a sudden that he doesn't expect her to advise him when she goes out with someone else. In his mind, it was something rational to say, a gesture she'd appreciate.

Well, at least, he prayed she would understand without probing him.

He was wrong.

I'd rather tell you. What brought this about again? I thought we're good. You're just too scared to cross the line and make you and me official, she reacted.

Damn, she's good.

Is there anything wrong? Now I'm scared. Why are you scared? she continued.

The least he could do was to be honest. Slightly.

I'm still figuring it out, he replied cowardly.

* * *

kids should know that...

It has been pointed out that men and women live in different worlds when it comes to emotional expression. From early childhood most boys are exposed to fewer emotion-oriented conversations and are not encouraged to express emotions verbally. Yet, for example, the expression of rage if personal possessions or status is threatened, is seen not only as typically male, but in some situations encouraged and admired. The point is that men appear to experience exactly the same emotions as women but their expression is often and typically very different. (About.com: Men's health)

cruel games

It's either she doesn't trust him or she thinks she knows him too well.

It didn't take long until he received a large dose of disapproving sms from her. She was, per admission, insanely jealous at all irrational costs.

So what's new? He thought.

The sms convos lasted from morning to evening, with a break in-between working hours.

What prompted the barrage was his decision to simply go out with someone from work. And, of course, she didn't approve of it.

No, they're not together at all. There's nothing official about their relationship. No exclusivity. If there is any existing relationship between them, it is something undefined yet evidently special.

Alright.

Clearly, it would've been them together if only there weren't a lot of things people on both sides who might end up beaten. Cliche-ish but there's no other way to tell it.

And so she's a special friend.

I really want to go out with her, he said.

She went quite ballistic, became paranoid at one point and asked him whether he was doing it out of revenge because she's dating other men.

He laughed it off and assured her it wasn't in the agenda.

It was cute for a while, despite the slingshot accusations that it is a date with a prospect, rather than mere dining out with a possible new friend. But when she was sulking too long, it eventually switched off his patience.

He didn't want to drag it out in the open. But he thought that perhaps when he reminds her that not once did he react negatively to her engagements, she'd lighten up.

Not once did he let her know how affected he was when she cited some boy as the love of her life. And when she went spiralling down the heavy emotions, ached for a little bit more attention from what's-his-face boy, he was there to boost her ego.

It was shaping into monogamy on one side while one end is open. Whose end remains open? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

Still, this man didn't complain. He kept everything to himself.

Why?

Because that's how he loves her.

Anyway, now that he will, for the first time, have a pleasant harmless dinner with an interesting lady, he doesn't think she should mind.

You are on a girly frame of mind. Am not. So it's NOT A DATE, he corrected.

He was already irritated, found her reactions outrageous.

Are we having a fight? she asked.

He didn't answer and opted to let it go. Instead, he assured her that she'll hear from him the next day.

The next sunup, innocently he told her, I can't stop thinking of her.

Colossal blunder.

That sentence detonated a bomb.

This man slapped his forehead for chatting with her on bestfriend-mode without checking her vital signs.

And then he made another huge mistake.

HE: Ganon talaga. Pag andyan ka, eh di tayo. Kung wala ka, eh di hinde.

SHE: Ano?!

HE: Shit! No, wait. Mali yung tagalog ko. But you know what I'm trying to say, right?

She, fortunately, gave him time to explain what he meant. Nevertheless, she came short of telling him that she doesn't trust him.

That's how you started with me, she said.

So more talk, which was good. It turned out that's all that she needed to calm down.

Eventually, the restlessness died down. They survived another day and night. Thank heavens, they patched up things in a fashion that needn't be detailed here.

* * *

Why do you love me? he asked.

Because you take care of me, she replied.

Hopefully, she won't forget that this man will remain the same, come what may.

* * *

kids should know that...

By the late 1960s and the 1970s, jealousy — particularly sexual jealousy — had come to be seen as both irrational and shameful in some quarters, particularly among advocates of free love. Advocates and practitioners of non-exclusive sexual relationships, believing that they ought not to be jealous, sought to banish or deny jealous reactions to their partners' sexual involvement with others. Many found this unexpectedly difficult, though for others, conscious blocking of the jealous reaction is relatively easy from the start, and over time the reaction can be effectively extinguished. Some studies suggest that jealousy may be reduced in multilateral relationships where there is a clear hierarchy of relationships or where expectations are otherwise fixed. (wikipedia)

bend

This man didn't feel the connection the first time.

Maybe it's because he's set a rule for himself: Never work your way to any lady in the workplace.

Emphasis on the word maybe. Currently, he's not sure anymore.

She would occasionally initiate to chat up with him. Each time, he'd be strong enough to give abbreviated reactions with either a nod or one short sentence. He didn't find her boring at all. As a matter of fact, she is terribly interesting.

He gets easily attracted to the right interesting woman and has a hundred and one insane ways to check her out without being obnoxious or obtrusive. He may choose to be naughty and fun and could get away with it.

But not here, he'd mumble over and over. There exist boundaries and he doesn't plan to cross any.

Add to that that the place and timing are not right.

But she intoxicates his curiosity slowly every time they meet at work. So he evades. Avoids. Turns around. Smiles and walks on.

Doesn't work.

She lingers. And then, he limbers.

So he'd take time now to converse. It's not a lot of minutes but it is still time. He doesn't even kill her with sweetness or brainwash her that he's a better fool than the rest. On the other hand, he lets out tongue-in-cheek comments in an attempt to bring out the ire in her.

There's a word for this behaviour. Front.

SHE: Why aren't you nice to me?
HE: I am. Considering you have this personality...
SHE: Screw you.
HE: Yes. Please. That'll be heaven.
SHE: (Smiles) I hate you.
HE: Hey. You wanna go out with me?
SHE: (Pauses. Raises an eyebrow.) You're asking me out on a date?
HE: No. If I wanted to date you, I would've asked if you wanted to go out on a date with me. Sabi ko, do you want to go out?
SHE: Are you gonna take me to McDo? Or Starbucks?
HE: Pasta. Then maybe, coffee.
SHE: Uuuy. You're totally asking me out. Bumabawi ka, no?
HE: Ang tagal naman ng sagot.
SHE: Sure! Ako pa, tatanggi. Ay! Can we take those two with us? (Points to two ladies who are our colleagues.)
HE: No.
SHE: Di ba, it's not a date? Eh di isama natin sila.
HE: I will not ask them out with us.
SHE: (Smiles) Why not?
HE: Because it's a trap waiting to happen. I'm not going to dine with three women who will just spend the night talking about shoes, bags, boys and...I don't know.
SHE: (Laughs) Eh di, we won't. We'll talk about you.
HE: Naku! Lalo na. I'm not going to pay dinner for my own roasting.

She stares at him with a silly smile on her face.

HE: What?
SHE: (Shakes her head) Wala. To think inaasar mo ko palagi...
HE: Unintentionally.
SHE: Suplado ka kaya, no! If I don't approach you, you won't talk to me.
HE: That's not true. Kanina ako ang lumapit sa yo.
SHE: Alam mo, yung mga pinsan mo sa St. Scho, they look aloof pero din naman talaga.
HE: So? Anong connection?
SHE: Does it run in your family?
HE: Pinansin kaya kita kanina. I even chose to approach you.
SHE: (Softly) Liliparin ata ako.
HE: (Pretends didn't hear.) Huh? What was that?
SHE: Nothing.

* * *

kids should know that...

Interpersonal attraction can be thought of as a force acting between two people tending to draw them together, and resisting their separation. According to a personality psychologists' view, interpersonal attraction is a person's qualities that tend to attract by appealing to another person's desires. When measuring interpersonal attraction, one must refer to the qualities of the attracted as well as the qualities of the attractor to achieve predictive accuracy. (wikipedia)

the hero doesn't always get the gurl

He's not the least confused. It's just the way it is.

She's turned him into some kind of a masked hero because she doesn't speak or write about him to anyone.

They're together but then again they're not. She'd call him "boyfriend" but only at rarest occasions when she's finally had it keeping her jealousy inside. It's her way of conquering her insecurity.

And she is easily jealous, most of the time for irrational reasons.

Don't get her wrong. It's not like her whole world is fixated on him. She goes out with other men, and sometimes hope that it's the right guy for her.

He, on the other hand, would not say anything about it. Heroes have feelings but the world has no interest in it.

In any case, he's already learned the stages of her changing moods from happy to sad, or from love to jealousy.

So has he gotten used to it by now?

It has taken them both considerable time to know each other. And when they finally proved to each other that no matter how much in love they are with each other, they're simply not meant.

That no matter how much she pulls him closer, takes advantage, kisses and rips him of his self-control, he could never be persuaded to give her...

"Just one child," she'd say.

Their life together and yet, not really together, would have spotty "break-ups." Funny when they're not really.

But he'll tell you what is real.

He's sad when they're "quiet" and he does suffer when he chooses not to make the first move.

It's happened that they've been "strangers" for a week and, in slightly serious cases, more than a month.

And then, perhaps when she can no longer stand it, she'll drop a note.

And to him, no matter how ordinary that word may be, the sound of that word would radiate in his life like the sun peeking behind the dark cloud.

But he, of course, would never tell her that. There's no need.

Then again, she'd vehemently disagree and tell him that she needs to know.

So he'd tease her because he knows that she's simply fishing.

And she'll still insist so he'll just say it.

It's cute. Maybe. But half of it is really sad.

* * *

kids should know that...

Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving and vulnerable. Intimacy requires identity development. You have to know yourself and your innards in order to share your self with another. Knowing yourself makes it possible to stand for yourself in an intimate relationship without taking over the other or losing yourself to the other. This ability to be separate and together in an intimate relationship and being okay with that is called self-differentiation. (wikipedia)

Lyric she wrote

so much has happened everyday

since you went asking for your way

apart

.

but i still smell your perfume

anyway it won't make sense

everyday i watch my door

and it rains when you're not there

.

running a cold and feeling dry

i'm hanging my tears below a sky

of blue

.

and i think of times gone by

it must've been love even for a while

going to wish i'll make it home

better than how you'll be

alone

.

goodbye

mr. heartache's pride

goodbye, goodbye

mornings, lullabyes

.

like a stadium with no crowd

or a circus with no clown

how i wish you went away

without emptiness so i'll say

goodbye

mornings, lullabyes

goodbye, goodbye

mr. heartache's pride

* * *

kids should know that...

Lyric poetry is a genre that, unlike epic poetry and dramatic poetry, does not attempt to tell a story but instead is of a more personal nature. Rather than depicting characters and actions, it portrays the poet's own feelings, states of mind, and perceptions. While the genre's name, derived from "lyre," implies that it is intended to be sung, much lyric poetry is meant purely for reading. (wikipedia)